HE: hi,i have couple of questions...
SHE: regarding what?
HE: in general
SHE: ok
HE: I was thinking ‘why people are dissatisfied with their marriages?’
see we have two levels of achievement/ desire / goal when we marry or want to settle in life.
One is physical that is the basic animal instinct - make a family, off spring, satisfaction, lineage etc, comfort, protection - all pertaining to survival instincts
Another one is intellectual to be yourself, express freely without any restrictions, freedom, think and act like what you want..
so purpose of life may
1. survival/material pleasures
2. intellectual advancement
and the thing in this is survival it is easy or atleast
SHE: ok shall I interrupt
HE: no :)
SHE: for survival we need him or her but for intellectual we dont and hence objection overruled :P
HE: mummy :(
but the thing is whatever thoughts arise people tend to express with partners. Just for survival sake one partner and intellectually sharing with other persons, even in that the other partner might feel they are not so close, not so known with partner seeking external intellectual friends.
SHE: yes
HE: but if one tries to explain all these things to his/her partner then also...
SHE: then also no use
HE: yeah!!!
see in that case if a partner tries to explain her (his implied everywhere)
hmm no I will use ‘his’ everywhere, is it ok?
‘his’ means ‘his/her’ agreed?
no chauvinism intended,ok?
SHE: hmm okay!!! now that i know you will be damaging the partner use his :)
HE: that’s what I thought. But you see if people read it,they are more used to his as a reference to both the sexes than her. That’s why...
ok am continuing...
after satisfying one’s physical survival goals which mostly happens successfully in every marriage as people are generally healthy, and easily satisfied in achievement of their physical/material goals.
SHE: wait...
HE: families are formed easily
SHE: interruption
HE: ok
SHE: to test this ‘his/her’ more used to her, I used this for the first time in a presentation. It was about security
HE: oh tell me :) :)
SHE: I used 'his' for an intruder and attacker suddenly everyone asked me to replace it.
So see it's psychological
HE: hmm
SHE: ok continue
HE: yeah families are formed easily, homes made and so a sense of physical/material survival becomes surely acheived after few years of marriage with a home, kids or continued satisfaction of physical needs like comfort, sex, help, steady food, shelter and so on...
After this the person seeks for intellectual development. My view is ID (intellectual development) will prosper and occur through sharing of knowledge ideas, debate conversation and other interactions with people of the same intellect or higher intellect.
So in this case of ID the person has two choices
1. interact with the outside world so often for validating his theories, views, ideas and getting comment and reviews. By doing so he has to maintain a set of people as friends for a long time to constantly review his understanding progress. But maintaining a set of people for a long time is difficult as people and time keeps changing.
So in that case he might turn to his partner. Lets mark this stage (A) - turning to his partner for ID.
Now lets say he gets a set of friends people outside his home with whom he constantly interacts and mutually indulge in ID.
In that case he gets a set of friends, people outside his home with whom he constantly interacts and embark in the journey of ID.
So after few years when the physical survival need gets changed into more of daily comfort routine like food, clothes and household comforts, his level of interaction with the partner might stop at that level. (assuming as people age .. they have less physical relationship)
So both the partners feel like they are just bonded for the sake of some daily ritual and their intellect will start to reason what they have shared intellectually or what are the moments they have had (non-physical ones)l which they can relish or expect forward in their life.
So in that case a sense of disappointment creeps in and they feel that they haven’t known each other so much on a intellect basis.
SHE: hmm you have made a very valid point.
But we cant generalize. May be
HE: hmm wait... will try to explore lot of other scenarios
SHE: I had some other question in my mind
HE: this is only 1 scenario
SHE: ok
HE:so what if the person doesn’t have intellect partners in the outside world
He turns to his partner that is (A) in this case and his partner can be
1. of low intellect
2. of almost same intellect
3. of higher intellect
Now lets take case 1
SHE: ok
HE: if the partner 1 is of low intellect he has to either not discuss about his ID thoughts or try to improve the intellect of his partner.
If he doesn't discuss then all the thoughts die within himself as he also has no outside intellectual friends and thus disappointment for me. But if he tries to improve the intellect so that the partner is discussion worthy then he has to spend time preparing the partner.
SHE: In this we will have 2 cases
HE: and either it might take a long time to change his partner
SHE: the partner is wiling to
HE: or he might fail changing her
SHE: not willing to
HE: yeah
SHE: and another case is the partner doesn’t want to learn and improve
SHE: all three cases are v much possible
HE: hmm ok
let me continue with the assumption of the partner is willing to learn, other cases we will build further
SHE: continue sir
HE: going on,so the he tries to
. make the partner knowledgeable
2. downgrades his intellect
to suit the partner
in case 2. the intellect guy acts as a dumb according to his inner self to suit himself to his partner
SHE: ok
HE: so disappointed again in case 2 as he is not living upto his full extent
Now in case1.make the partner intelligent he spends his time helping out his partner to become more intellect,
and the time taken for a person to develop the intellect it takes a lot of time. so by that time he would have lost his energy or forgot about thoughts or his thoughts might have been outdated or would have felt that he has lot valuable hours in teaching rather developing his ideas so again disappointment.
agreed?
SHE: agreed
HE: now case 3
SHE: ok
HE: the partner is intellectually superior
then the opposite of 1st case happens; he feels that he is inferior and so a complex develops and thus again disappointment
SHE: oh
hey in this disappointment happens for the other partner also
HE: yes. Lets us look these scenarios with this analogy
two engines are there going uphill if both are at the same velocity then only travel will be smooth
now lets take a faster engine (superior person) and slower engine( intellectually inferior person) chained (bonded by marriage)
if slower engine is in the front the faster one has the burden of pushing the slower
SHE: yes
HE: and slower feels it is being pushed
SHE: I got that
HE: other case the faster in front and slower one in back
Then faster has to pull and slower feels dragged
SHE: ok
HE: faster after a time doesn't pull as it might lose energy and disentangle
SHE: you want to visualize life like that!!!! hmmm
HE: a big gap in their life he is mentally somewhere
SHE: what if I don't want to visualize like that
HE: hmm
see the partner is intellectually lagging and also taking the first case of the faster pushing the slower what if faster gets tired all the while by pushing slower and their whole life becomes slower and loses speed. kind of life losing the essence of life
SHE: hmm what if he doesn’t push??
want to put his wife in the backyard and so happy about it
HE: if he doesn’t push he will be slow. see one always wants to perform to their max efficiency be it an engine or a human.
though even people may say the reasons like
love forgiveness
understanding
adjustment
inside somewhere they might feel they are not performing up to their intellectual capacity due to their adjustment with partner
SHE: ok
HE: every machine must operate at its maximum efficiency efficiency after that the machine even tries to improve its efficiency. doesn't it?
SHE: hmm!!
HE: so the hill symbolises the path of ID and the engines are the partners and the link the marriage/wedding/relationship
SHE: ok what if the person is ok that he is superior and doesn't mind if the slower one doesn’t climb
HE: if the slower one doesn't climb then no ID
no ID automatically disappointment
As i told before
HE: so things boil down to case no.2 both people are intellectually similar
i.e both the engines go at the same speed
SHE: ok ok
HE: that is why people always try to find a partner who understands them the most
or at least mostly
SHE: ok
HE: intelligent people try to find such partner
if not in the start everything will be rosy rosy either due to high satisfaction of physical survival but in the later stage intellectual survival becomes a question mark
and thus disappointment creeps in and hence people are disappointed with their marriages after long time
We don't see people saying disappointed in the initial stages too much as in the later stages
SHE: hmm you didn't handle stage 2 properly
HE: stage 2 both going at the same speed a perfect couple
as the engines travels one might get faster or slower that again boils down in to
stage 1 or 3 that is why even love marriages or intellectually agreed upon couples
feel disappointed in the later stage
:)
thus both the engines should always agree upon the same speed
SHE: hmm ok good analysis
HE: thank u
SHE: :)
SHE: regarding what?
HE: in general
SHE: ok
HE: I was thinking ‘why people are dissatisfied with their marriages?’
see we have two levels of achievement/ desire / goal when we marry or want to settle in life.
One is physical that is the basic animal instinct - make a family, off spring, satisfaction, lineage etc, comfort, protection - all pertaining to survival instincts
Another one is intellectual to be yourself, express freely without any restrictions, freedom, think and act like what you want..
so purpose of life may
1. survival/material pleasures
2. intellectual advancement
and the thing in this is survival it is easy or atleast
SHE: ok shall I interrupt
HE: no :)
SHE: for survival we need him or her but for intellectual we dont and hence objection overruled :P
HE: mummy :(
but the thing is whatever thoughts arise people tend to express with partners. Just for survival sake one partner and intellectually sharing with other persons, even in that the other partner might feel they are not so close, not so known with partner seeking external intellectual friends.
SHE: yes
HE: but if one tries to explain all these things to his/her partner then also...
SHE: then also no use
HE: yeah!!!
see in that case if a partner tries to explain her (his implied everywhere)
hmm no I will use ‘his’ everywhere, is it ok?
‘his’ means ‘his/her’ agreed?
no chauvinism intended,ok?
SHE: hmm okay!!! now that i know you will be damaging the partner use his :)
HE: that’s what I thought. But you see if people read it,they are more used to his as a reference to both the sexes than her. That’s why...
ok am continuing...
after satisfying one’s physical survival goals which mostly happens successfully in every marriage as people are generally healthy, and easily satisfied in achievement of their physical/material goals.
SHE: wait...
HE: families are formed easily
SHE: interruption
HE: ok
SHE: to test this ‘his/her’ more used to her, I used this for the first time in a presentation. It was about security
HE: oh tell me :) :)
SHE: I used 'his' for an intruder and attacker suddenly everyone asked me to replace it.
So see it's psychological
HE: hmm
SHE: ok continue
HE: yeah families are formed easily, homes made and so a sense of physical/material survival becomes surely acheived after few years of marriage with a home, kids or continued satisfaction of physical needs like comfort, sex, help, steady food, shelter and so on...
After this the person seeks for intellectual development. My view is ID (intellectual development) will prosper and occur through sharing of knowledge ideas, debate conversation and other interactions with people of the same intellect or higher intellect.
So in this case of ID the person has two choices
1. interact with the outside world so often for validating his theories, views, ideas and getting comment and reviews. By doing so he has to maintain a set of people as friends for a long time to constantly review his understanding progress. But maintaining a set of people for a long time is difficult as people and time keeps changing.
So in that case he might turn to his partner. Lets mark this stage (A) - turning to his partner for ID.
Now lets say he gets a set of friends people outside his home with whom he constantly interacts and mutually indulge in ID.
In that case he gets a set of friends, people outside his home with whom he constantly interacts and embark in the journey of ID.
So after few years when the physical survival need gets changed into more of daily comfort routine like food, clothes and household comforts, his level of interaction with the partner might stop at that level. (assuming as people age .. they have less physical relationship)
So both the partners feel like they are just bonded for the sake of some daily ritual and their intellect will start to reason what they have shared intellectually or what are the moments they have had (non-physical ones)l which they can relish or expect forward in their life.
So in that case a sense of disappointment creeps in and they feel that they haven’t known each other so much on a intellect basis.
SHE: hmm you have made a very valid point.
But we cant generalize. May be
HE: hmm wait... will try to explore lot of other scenarios
SHE: I had some other question in my mind
HE: this is only 1 scenario
SHE: ok
HE:so what if the person doesn’t have intellect partners in the outside world
He turns to his partner that is (A) in this case and his partner can be
1. of low intellect
2. of almost same intellect
3. of higher intellect
Now lets take case 1
SHE: ok
HE: if the partner 1 is of low intellect he has to either not discuss about his ID thoughts or try to improve the intellect of his partner.
If he doesn't discuss then all the thoughts die within himself as he also has no outside intellectual friends and thus disappointment for me. But if he tries to improve the intellect so that the partner is discussion worthy then he has to spend time preparing the partner.
SHE: In this we will have 2 cases
HE: and either it might take a long time to change his partner
SHE: the partner is wiling to
HE: or he might fail changing her
SHE: not willing to
HE: yeah
SHE: and another case is the partner doesn’t want to learn and improve
SHE: all three cases are v much possible
HE: hmm ok
let me continue with the assumption of the partner is willing to learn, other cases we will build further
SHE: continue sir
HE: going on,so the he tries to
. make the partner knowledgeable
2. downgrades his intellect
to suit the partner
in case 2. the intellect guy acts as a dumb according to his inner self to suit himself to his partner
SHE: ok
HE: so disappointed again in case 2 as he is not living upto his full extent
Now in case1.make the partner intelligent he spends his time helping out his partner to become more intellect,
and the time taken for a person to develop the intellect it takes a lot of time. so by that time he would have lost his energy or forgot about thoughts or his thoughts might have been outdated or would have felt that he has lot valuable hours in teaching rather developing his ideas so again disappointment.
agreed?
SHE: agreed
HE: now case 3
SHE: ok
HE: the partner is intellectually superior
then the opposite of 1st case happens; he feels that he is inferior and so a complex develops and thus again disappointment
SHE: oh
hey in this disappointment happens for the other partner also
HE: yes. Lets us look these scenarios with this analogy
two engines are there going uphill if both are at the same velocity then only travel will be smooth
now lets take a faster engine (superior person) and slower engine( intellectually inferior person) chained (bonded by marriage)
if slower engine is in the front the faster one has the burden of pushing the slower
SHE: yes
HE: and slower feels it is being pushed
SHE: I got that
HE: other case the faster in front and slower one in back
Then faster has to pull and slower feels dragged
SHE: ok
HE: faster after a time doesn't pull as it might lose energy and disentangle
SHE: you want to visualize life like that!!!! hmmm
HE: a big gap in their life he is mentally somewhere
SHE: what if I don't want to visualize like that
HE: hmm
see the partner is intellectually lagging and also taking the first case of the faster pushing the slower what if faster gets tired all the while by pushing slower and their whole life becomes slower and loses speed. kind of life losing the essence of life
SHE: hmm what if he doesn’t push??
want to put his wife in the backyard and so happy about it
HE: if he doesn’t push he will be slow. see one always wants to perform to their max efficiency be it an engine or a human.
though even people may say the reasons like
love forgiveness
understanding
adjustment
inside somewhere they might feel they are not performing up to their intellectual capacity due to their adjustment with partner
SHE: ok
HE: every machine must operate at its maximum efficiency efficiency after that the machine even tries to improve its efficiency. doesn't it?
SHE: hmm!!
HE: so the hill symbolises the path of ID and the engines are the partners and the link the marriage/wedding/relationship
SHE: ok what if the person is ok that he is superior and doesn't mind if the slower one doesn’t climb
HE: if the slower one doesn't climb then no ID
no ID automatically disappointment
As i told before
HE: so things boil down to case no.2 both people are intellectually similar
i.e both the engines go at the same speed
SHE: ok ok
HE: that is why people always try to find a partner who understands them the most
or at least mostly
SHE: ok
HE: intelligent people try to find such partner
if not in the start everything will be rosy rosy either due to high satisfaction of physical survival but in the later stage intellectual survival becomes a question mark
and thus disappointment creeps in and hence people are disappointed with their marriages after long time
We don't see people saying disappointed in the initial stages too much as in the later stages
SHE: hmm you didn't handle stage 2 properly
HE: stage 2 both going at the same speed a perfect couple
as the engines travels one might get faster or slower that again boils down in to
stage 1 or 3 that is why even love marriages or intellectually agreed upon couples
feel disappointed in the later stage
:)
thus both the engines should always agree upon the same speed
SHE: hmm ok good analysis
HE: thank u
SHE: :)
